夢𥚃花落知多少

夜來又回到那個小島上, 尋常巷陌依舊, 桃花似的人面依舊, 時光倒流, 又回到少年十五, 六那段日子。
一如戰後千萬個離鄉別井的中國人一樣, 父親無可奈何底下放棄家鄉的祖居和田地, 一無所有地南下移居到那小島上, 一個遠離鬧市喧嘩, 只有鄉村人定居有山有水的好地方。那𠒇有炎熱悠長的夏天, 令人懨懨欲睡一下又一下的蟬鳴, 影樹的細細碎碎遮掩不了暴曬下來的大熱太陽, 我是如斯深愛那影樹, 轟轟烈烈的紅花真的像英雄灑血般悲壯, 落下來的小葉子浮滿不遠之處的魚塘, 那個令我一坐就坐上半天的魚塘, 翻兩三篇查拉圖拉如是說, 讀幾行古詩十九首, 而那人一直在我耳邊絮絮不休細說將來, 那時候還以為有用不盡的時光。
那小島盛載有我滿滿的歉意, 因為我堅持離去, 傷透兩個愛我至深的人, 走的那天晴空萬里, 一如過去萬千個日子那種無雨無雲, 南中國海的好天氣, 一樣可以令人意氣低沉, 祖母甚至不肯到碼頭看我離去, 我只有一步一回顧, 看着她背裡淌淚的身影, 啊... 祖母我給你的創痛說要多深就有多深, 祖母一直活在她和祖父那種兩小無嫌猜, 十六為君婦的世紀𥚃, 以她那一套來衡量, 女子一生是願托喬木的絲蘿, 捨棄一個從小相識知深可托終身的人, 離家遠去找尋所謂天際一抹雲彩, 對她來說, 非常難以理解, 不可思議, 但在我要努力爭取時, 她還是人前人後一貫的支持我。
再回去的時候, 祖母已經不在了, 千里孤墳, 教我無處說凄涼, 和那人再見面時, 執子之手不能與子偕老矣, 一時間黯然無語相對, 想到坊間流言說他成功的事業背後有兩段不和諧的婚姻, 又如何開口好言相慰? 要是我不曾離去, 留下來吃着他家裡茶飯, 不求上進, 不事生產, 又豈是當初那個心高氣傲令他眷戀不已的小女孩。
給我再來一次機會, 我仍然會作出同樣選擇, 即使我知道要付出何等代價, 以後的年數𥚃, 常常在深夜夢裏驚醒過來, 想着小島𥚃的蟬鳴, 想着那花開花落的影樹, 想着那魚塘, 想着那小島上零零碎碎的人和事, 想着想着... 久久不能再入睡, 眼睜睜的一夜到天明….
—1991年4月1曰發表在加京華報

Telegraph Road —Dire Straits

 

The Dead —The Dubliners, James Joyce

Generous tears filled Gabriel’s eyes. He had never felt like that himself towards any woman, but he knew that such a feeling must be love. The tears gathered more thickly in his eyes and in the partial darkness he imagined he saw the form of a young man standing under a dripping tree. Other forms were near. His soul had approached that region where dwell the vast hosts of the dead. He was conscious of, but could not apprehend, their wayward and flickering existence. His own identity was fading out into a grey impalpable world: the solid world itself, which these dead had one time reared and lived in, was dissolving and dwindling.

A few light taps upon the pane made him turn to the window. It had begun to snow again. He watched sleepily the flakes, silver and dark, falling obliquely against the lamplight. The time had come for him to set out on his journey westward. Yes, the newspapers were right: snow was general all over Ireland. It was falling on every part of the dark central plain, on the treeless hills, falling softly upon the Bog of Allen and, farther westward, softly falling into the dark mutinous Shannon waves. It was falling, too, upon every part of the lonely churchyard on the hill where Michael Furey lay buried. It lay thickly drifted on the crooked crosses and headstones, on the spears of the little gate, on the barren thorns. His soul swooned slowly as he heard the snow falling faintly through the universe and faintly falling, like the descent of their last end, upon all the living and the dead.

The Photograph —Phoebe Wang

Trees in the black and white faded background

Clinging together in grey clumps like

Gossipy old women apartments

Behind old and dilapidated, erected and dignified against 

the mountains, steep cliffs really 

you can’t really have proper mountains on 

an island but they do their best 

She’s sitting on a park bench 

full of careless youth and high spirits 

long black hair so much like my own 

they say my eyes look like hers but I don’t believe it 

a faint smile is it friendly 

it was taken by a photographer who 

stopped her in street and made her 

pose for him which 

I can understand 

I see it in the way she looks over her 

shoulder at the world 

taking all she can from it

永不能忘

 才不過十一、二歲, 就要孤身上路去探望外祖母, 先是一小時的海上航程, 繼而是半小時顛簸不堪的車程, 第七號巴士路線沿著香港島西區搖搖晃晃的前進, 途中的景物, 成了少年人記憶裡不可磨滅的印象!
上環儘是專營海味雜貨的南北行, 西環是批發蔬菜生果的地方, 西營盤舊式茶樓林立, 薄扶林道多是破落的舊大宅, 大學堂的莊嚴, 瑪麗醫院的恬靜, 牛奶公司農場的草香... 市區漸漸落在背後, 眼前是鬱綠的山, 曠闊的天空和無邊際的大海, 但最深刻的印像是中途的永別亭。
亭子就築在半山的路旁, 不過是最普通的設計, 原是舊時送殯上山的歇脚處, 亭子下望是青翠的叢林, 重重叠叠一直到山腳下, 一堆大石之後便是大海, 晴天時海天藍成一片, 時有小漁船匆匆來往, 偶然還有遠洋而來的大輪船駛過, 景色美極了, 可是這亭子前的對聯是...
永不能忘, 平素音容成隔世
別無複面, 有緣會合卜他生
這两句對聯給于少年人很大的震撼, 生死無常, 陰陽阻隔, 只有今生罷了, 那裡有來世呢, 寫這對聯的人已經不在, 看著這對聯的少年人, 有一天亦會成長老去終歸不在, 山水與亭子年年歲歲依舊, 歲歲年年人郤不同, 還有什麼好執著呢!
巴士天天載著乘客來來往往, 看到這對聯的人有多少會大徹大悟, 啊, 生命原是一個幻覺, 鄭板橋說得好, 名利竟如何, 歲月蹉跎, 幾番風雨幾晴和, 愁風愁雨愁不盡, 總是南柯。

—1999.10.1 加華僑報

How Far?

Joey’s mother depended on her very much. Being the only girl in the family and the oldest with four younger brothers, she took over some of her mother’s housework. Grandmother worked very hard too, unlike some older women who just sat by the door and stared at the passers-by daily. Joey’s father only came home from the city once a month. When he was home he usually slept all day to make up for the long working hours. So the three generations of women were left to take care of everything.

Her grandmother and mother ran a convenience store near an elementary school. They left early in the morning for the store, so the school children could buy food and drinks when they missed their breakfast. When her grandmother and mother were gone for the day, Joey was left in charge. She sent the older boys to school and kept the youngest one within her sight. Her daily workload included cleaning, doing the laundry and helping her brothers with their school work.
She dropped out of school in grade six. Her mother said, "Girls don’t need education. All they need is good fortune. You marry well, then you are guaranteed a lifelong good living." Joey wanted to ask her mother what would happen if the husband deserted you. But she dared not.

Joey loved to read and finished all the books in the village library, although there weren’t too many. Austen, the Brontes, Dickens, Lawrence, Joyce, Woolf, Tolstoy, Dostoevsky, Balzac, Kafka etc., she read them all. She didn’t understand some of them but she read them anyway. Every night her grandmother had to order her to put down the book and go to sleep. Sometimes she went up into the hills or sat on the rocks by the sea, places where she could read in peace. She had no friends, since she spent all her spare time reading.

Joey loved to read and finished all the books in the village library, although there weren’t too many. Austen, the Brontes, Dickens, Lawrence, Joyce, Woolf, Tolstoy, Dostoevsky, Balzac, Kafka etc., she read them all. She didn’t understand some of them, but she read them anyway. Every night her grandmother had to order her to put down the book and go to sleep. Sometimes she went up into the hills or sat on the rocks by the sea, places where she could read in peace. She had no friends, since she spent all her spare time reading.

Not long after her youngest brother entered high school, Joey told her family that she was leaving for North America. Her father thought she was crazy. Her mother was furious. Her grandmother cried, and her brothers begged her not to leave.
She was nineteen. It was a chaotic era; the Vietnam War war, the hippies, Woodstock, the civil rights movement, the assassinations and the Watergate conspiracy.

Thirty years later, Joey is in her office, a heritage building with exposed wood beans and brick walls. Every morning she stands by the window looking up at the sky with a cup of coffee. It is her way to welcome the day. Rain or shine, she never complaints about the weather. She makes her own coffee because she doesn’t like to order people around, and bakes biscotti for everybody in the office. She listens to classical music in the morning and jazz in the afternoon. On her desk, facing her is a photo of her two daughters. The elder girl finished English Literature at UBC and is currently studying for her master's degree at the University of Toronto. The younger girl got a Fine Arts degree from Nova Scotia College of Art and wants to be an artist. Joey’s husband is her business partner. They own an art gallery. Behind her chair are bookcases of books, mostly art and literature. Joey still reads, but these days she prefers poetry.
—Published by Vancouver Public Library 2009

有多遠？

祖兒的母親非常依賴她, 作為家中長女和下有四個弟弟, 她要接手母親一些家務, 祖母也很辛苦, 不像其他的年老婦女, 每天坐在家門前盯著路人來打發日子, 祖兒的父親每月從香港回來一次, 當他在家時, 通常睡上一整天, 補償因在外工作時間長而睡眠不足, 留下家事由三代的婦女來打理。

她母親和祖母在學校附近開了一個小店, 她們清早離家開店, 等錯過家裏早餐的學生可以購買食物和飲料, 當她的祖母和母親離開後, 家中一切由祖兒負責, 她送大弟們上學, 照顧小弟, 她每天的工作包括打掃, 洗衣服和幫助弟弟們做功課。
她在小學六年級輟學, 她母親說, “女孩子不需要教育, 只要好運氣, 如果嫁得好, 保證終身享福”, 祖兒想問她的母親, 如果被丈夫遺棄了又什麼辦? 但她不敢。

祖兒喜歡閱讀, 讀完了村裏唯一圖書館裡的所有書籍, 雖然不太多, 奧斯汀、勃朗特、狄更斯、勞倫斯、喬伊斯、伍爾夫、托爾斯泰、陀斯妥耶夫斯基、巴爾扎克、卡夫卡等, 其中的一些她不明白的, 但她都讀了。每天晚上她的祖母都要提醒她放下書去睡覺。有時候她上山去或坐在海邊岩石上, 能靜靜地讀書。她沒有朋友, 因為她所有的空餘時間都用來讀書。

祖兒從來沒有跟她的母親頂嘴, 她完成了每日的工作, 仍然有時間替其他孩子的補習功課, 為老人家寫信件和設計戲院的海報, 只要能夠賺取多一些額外的錢。生活平靜的過了幾年, 除了她推掉了兩個求婚, 她的母親固然忿怒, 她生氣祖兒的反叛多過擔心女兒的將來。
在祖兒最小的弟弟入了初中後不久, 她告訴家人, 她要離開去北美洲, 她的父親以為她瘋了, 她的母親大發雷霆, 她的祖母哭了, 她的弟弟求她不要走。她時年十九歲, 那是一個混亂的時代, 越南戰爭、嬉皮士、胡士托音樂節、馬丁路德京黑人民權運動、肯尼迪暗殺陰謀和水門事件。

三十年後, 祖兒在她的辦公室, 一座混合磚牆與粗木的建築物。每天早晨, 她總是拿著一杯咖啡站在窗前仰望天空。這是她的方式來迎接一天。晴天雨天也好, 她從來不抱怨天氣。她自己動手做咖啡, 不喜歡指使他人, 喜歡烘意大利小餅給予其他同事。她上午聽古典音樂, 下午聽爵士樂。在她的辦公桌上, 面對她的是兩個女兒的照片。大女兒在英屬哥倫比亞大學讀完英國文學, 現在在多倫多大學讀碩士學位。小女兒得到新蘇格蘭省藝術學院美術學位, 希望成為一個藝術家。祖兒的丈夫是她的生意合作夥伴, 他們開了一個藝術畫廊, 她椅子背後是書櫃, 大多是關於藝術和文學書籍, 祖兒仍然愛讀書, 但近年來, 她喜歡讀詩...

—譯自作者温哥華公共圖書館英語寫作得獎 2009年